I’ve been hesitant about this post for so long. Even sitting down to actually write it, though I had been saying over and over in my head what I wanted to write, struck a nerve of anxiety. The blog writing thing again.
Because, as you can tell, I haven’t blogged in awhile. No “hey, it’s me, here’s a quick fashion post”, or “Merry Christmas, xoxo”, or anything of the sorts. No photos, no words, nothing. Because if we’re being real, it’s been really hard.
There’s a little bit of blogging that’s hard every so often. It makes you feel a little ill and like the content you’re producing isn’t worthy or quality. It stems from different things, and I’d say that most times, a blogger experiences at least one thing and is able to jump over that speed bump without it slowing her/him down. Sadly, that wasn’t the case for me.
A lot of the time, you’re expected to be this sunshiney, bundled up little package of a blog. Everything is this light and easygoing post where you forget that there’s a person behind the blog. Content, content, content. Paid posts, new items, new styles, new ways of differentiating yourself. That stuff does excite me and is a reason I started blogging. I am (usually) by nature a sunshiney, optimistic person and I get just as excited by new styles as the next gal.
But life’s been hard. Really hard. Because of nothing in particular, don’t worry. I don’t want to get too much into it now (maybe for a later post; this was hard enough), but long story short, I wasn’t excited about the same things. Rather, I wasn’t excited about anything at all. So how am I supposed to feel adequate enough to be creative enough for my own personal blog when I can’t even get all my homework done?
Yes, I know part of blogging and writing is about writing when you’re not in the mood and showing that your life isn’t all one nice and shiny package. Often, that’s actually the benefit of blogging-- having that therapeutic method of feeling put together when you’re not at all. But this was more than just a dip in the road, it was a total attitude shift on my part. I couldn’t find the silver lining in things that weren’t so great, so why would I blog? How could I? Monogram Meredith has always stood for positivity and finding the pulchritude in the egregious ways of life and it’s where a lot of my readership comes from. I’ve written since I was in high school in the hopes of providing a positive influence to girls my age and younger. Saying that it’ll all be all right and throwing a few cute outfits in there. I didn’t want to disappoint, so naturally, I did the thing that wasn’t best for me and I just didn’t write or blog. At the same time, I have changed as a person. I’ve shifted away some from the “super preppy” look that my blog started with, but it’s also gone deeper with how I see the world.
In that sense, it became hard to be a blogger in the community that thrives on materialism. I say that lightly because I am also an incredibly materialistic person and will probably always continue to be. Ahh, maybe materialistic isn’t the right word, but if you read and follow blogs, you know the superficial sort of feeling that exists. The feeling that if you aren’t wearing the nicest and newest things, you’re just not... right. I enjoy a splurge and I enjoy shopping, but I didn’t feel like portraying those on my blog, which I like to say encompasses who I am as a person. The world around us is full of so much more than what the top new lipstick trends are. People are dying, starving, suffering from lack of simple human rights, and it feels as though the only media we can consume is something about five pairs of shoes that cost $200. Dealing with that and thinking about how I can still enjoy those things and still have a clear conscience about what I’m doing has what’s been on my mind the past few months as I struggled with “What do I write next?”
To hop off my high horse, the other reason that blogging became so difficult was because the so-called “competition” was really hurting. I’d see girls with tons of money start up a blog and have thousands of followers in such a short period of time. I’d see people posting similar things as other big bloggers and having their brands catch on. We’d all like to think that this doesn’t exist and we can get past it because we have our blog and we make of it what we want without worrying about other people, but that can be just straight up false. When we’re not getting paid/getting paid very little, it’s hard to feel the energy to always be bigger and better and thoughts of “Why am I spending so much time on something nobody reads?” pop up more frequently.
So I’m sitting here writing thinking, “...Will anyone even read this?” I feel like old news. I feel irrelevant and as though my blog has crashed. I want to keep it up and I will, but maybe in a different way. Because in the past few months, my life has changed (and for the better at that) and I want to share the new Monogram Meredith perspective on things.
In the last few months, I’ve joined a (business) fraternity.
I’ve joined a sorority.
I’ve fallen in love, realized who I am in a relationship and how I plan on working that into my life.
I’ve learned more about what I want in a career and how to make that happen.
I’ve learned about my friends and how to be a more caring friend.
I’ve taken on more leadership roles in my community.
I’ve become closer with my family.
I’ve done much better in school.
And I’ve found who I am again.
I’m still thinking up stuff of how to transform what this whole ‘Monogram Meredith’ thing is because it’s been the thing to stay with me through and through the past few years. I’ve been encouraged by my friends, family, brothers, sisters, and blog world to be my best self and I want to reflect that in this working project.
Here we go, friends. Welcome back. Or rather, just welcome.
Please say hello! Leave a comment, tweet at me, or do any of your other social media-ish things. Pick your poison. But really, I'd love to talk and hear what you have to say!