Saturday, October 25, 2014

Blech.

Blech. I don't know what to write. I don't know what to post or what to do but I feel like I had to post something. I feel like I've just avoided everything with blogging because I just keep getting so behind. Like I won't even get on my dashboard to look at my poor stats or my neglected inbox or anything. I feel like I've lost confidence and creativity and a certain spark to my writing or blogging and I absolutely hate that.

I feel like I've been floating too much. Mondays start rough with lots of class and work, then actual work at my job, then just more class and homework and maybe a few social media posts but lots of studying. Then it gets to be Friday where I just sleep through the day because it's finally the weekend, and then Saturday comes and I put everything off and don't do much, then Sunday comes and I realize that it's time to do everything I put off on Friday and Saturday. And thus, a neglected blog and neglected everything else happens.

I'm not writing this to make excuses because I don't believe in excuses. I think this has all become a confidence thing and maybe another thing that I don't know the right word for. An assimilation thing where you become like everyone else and forget what you're really passionate about. Everyone here is passionate about their studies, but in that moment, I forget about what I really love. What riles me up and gets me excited and what I could talk for days about. The basic everyday drama of being a college freshman is not what makes my heart beat faster and make me smile from ear to ear, just like listening to the same pop music every night has no sort of feeling within me. Or what I'm supposed to wear out is the same as every other girl and that style is not an accurate representation of who I am... I just feel like everything has a tendency to become tasteless and boring and similar, in a sea full of different and creative people. My writing for classes becomes redundant and my readings are bland and I find myself missing the way I can write on a blog or read up on fashion and life blogs. I miss having a spark to every part of life and thinking about how I can turn everyday life experiences into something meaningful to share with others. Instead, it becomes bland and just like everything else. 

Again, I don't know how to explain it. I just realize that it's almost November and.... I don't like that. I refuse to believe that I've been in college for two months and before I know it, it'll be the second semester. And what will I have done with myself? Slept through the weekends and studied during the week? What will I have accomplished? Honestly, what even are my goals right now when all I can think about is making it through this next paper or next week of tests? What do I want from this four year experience and how do I achieve that? What am I really here for?

I miss passions and I miss setting aside time to do something different. There can be a lack of substance to things in college, and especially when you're spending every second in the same place. The 'bubble' is wonderful for so many things, but even when you feel like you're around everything that you could possibly need, there feels like there's something missing, and I'm still trying to figure out how to find that.


xoxo,
Meredith

7 comments:

  1. I feel this post on a spiritual level. It will get better!

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  2. Hang in there, Mere. The first semester of college is really hard. From the combination of intro classes, constantly making new friends, and trying to figure out how to live your old life (high school life) in a new environment, it's simply exhausting. Everyone goes through it, whether they have the guts to admit it or not. Don't give up! It gets better, I promise. :)

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    1. Awh thank you, I wish I knew who this was so I could give you a virtual hug! Much love!! :)

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  3. I've been really feeling the same way so I completely can relate to this post. The first semester is really hard and I hope everything gets better! Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to!

    Michaela || The Monogrammed Midwesterner

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  4. Totally know the feels. But don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure the next semester will get better as you become better skilled at managing time and such. Don't worry about meeting a certain standard or whatever. Just be YOU. Write about stuff you love. Hope this helped and I pray that God will refresh your mind and give you peace about your "blech" feeling. :)
    God Bless!
    HK

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  5. been there. 1st semester freshman year is hard but second semester is so much better and you will get that spark back! hang in there! :)

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Well thank ya for wanting to leave a comment! I love reading what you think! xoxo