Saturday, August 16, 2014

Welp...

Today is the day I've dreamed about for so many years. I truly never ever thought it would come and only imagined it- the day I packed up everything I owned and moved into college. How is it that 18 and a half years have passed so quickly and I'm actually at this point?

When you read this, I'm far out of my home state of Kentucky, whether on the road or already in Richmond. Today, I start my new life so far away from home, knowing that it'll soon feel more like home than I ever thought possible. For years and years, I've dreamed of what it would feel like to finally move out, and to be honest, I still don't really even know how it feels. I'm sitting here in my empty room with nothing on the walls and no clothes in my closet and I still can't think about how this is the last time I'm going to live here normally. I won't see this room or even this state for a few more months, and it hurts so badly. Saying goodbye to close friends and people that have made such an impact in my life is absolutely surreal and I really don't know what I'm going to do without them.

The past 18 years have been phenomenal and well done, I mean, heck, how could you not say that about the first 18 years of your life? I've lived a pretty great life and have so much to be thankful for that I can't even fit it into one post. And I didn't know when to post this, but this is what I wrote a week and a half ago:

Here I am, sitting in this little beach cottage by myself, on the verge of a meltdown. I really should be catching up with my family while they're on the beach, but I can't help myself. I did that thing that I tend to do too much and was reflecting, this time it being reading through my blog posts. Sometimes it's going through my camera roll and sometimes it's thinking too much about an event that's passed, but how often I forget that my deepest thoughts and feelings are documented on this little blog I write.

Normally, I would be having a meltdown because of something negative. This one, I'm really not sure. I was looking at my prom and Keeneland posts and how happy I was there, wishing I could go back to those months where everything seemed to be going smoothly and everyone was happy and healthy and I was still in school with my closest friends. And then I kept reading and got to my posts about hearing back from colleges, and boy, was I a basketcase. As soon as I get to thinking about those times, my stomach drops and I start to feel uneasy about how I felt during those days (or weeks? or months? it all really blends together). I used to be afraid to get in my car because I would have what felt like panic attacks about the thoughts of my future and the nearing decisions I would have to make. That was probably the unhealthiest I've ever felt in my whole life- I'm not a big crier and I like to eat a lot, but I knew I wasn't okay when I was crying that often and not eating anything (I just didn't have an appetite and had to force myself to eat). I wasn't depressed (been there), just very anxious about everything. Getting out of my comfort zone while still stuck in high school was very difficult because I was more than just comfortable, I was very very happy with my life. So reading on those posts where I was that happy makes me feel weird, because even though I was happy, it didn't seem to be a healthy happy.

And then I read my post about God not being an admissions counselor. My post that was actually originally a sermonette that I preached in front of my whole church. My whole church. I know I write literally everything on this blog and that anyone with internet access can read it, but there's something else to be said about actually standing up in front of the people that have raised you and telling them about your perfectionism tendencies and deepest worries. But I wrote something in that post about how when I was rejected from my early decision school, I knew God still had me in His hands and would lead me to wherever I was supposed to be. Holy moly. If there is anything, anything at all, that God's taught me in the past few months, past several months, it's that He will most definitely lead you to where you're supposed to be. Here I am writing this with 11 days until I move into the school of my dreams, only grateful that everything that's happened did happen. Not just about getting rejected from other schools, but so many other things that have happened during senior year that I thought were going to tear me apart. Heck, even things that happened all throughout high school. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic about it, but I think that I'm being brought to this moment, open with complete rejoice and happiness, thanks to everything, good and bad. I'm a perfectionist and feel a lot of pressure sometimes. Publishing my life doings on this blog can make me go a little bit crazy, and I know, I (literally) signed up for this, but I love it. Because I can share to my friends and peers that as someone who's far too into perfectionism that life isn't perfect, scheduled, or okay always. But there is a plan. All the joys and falls and failures will make you grateful and reflective and there's not much else I can say for all the things that one year has brought me. One year has meant so incredibly much in my short-lived life of 18 years, and I'm only looking forward to seeing what the next few will bring me.

Everyone keeps telling me they're excited for me and there are no words to describe how pumped I am, but also no words to describe how melancholy and scared and nervous I am. I am generally a worrisome person, and knowing that I have zero idea where my life is going or how to do college or how to live in a dorm freaks the heck out of me. If there's anything I ask, it's just to keep this anxious girl in your prayers and hope to goodness that I don't have a meltdown about leaving everyone and everything I have ever felt attached to. 

It hurts because it's changing, but it's a good type of change, and I am beyond excited to share each step of my journey with y'all through this blog! I've said it before and I'll say it again-- this blog and the relationships and the support I've gained from blogging has changed my life. I never had a big sister, but I feel like I have several girls (and guys) that are helping me (whether they know it or not) along this weird way and I have blogging to thank for it. Obviously, I have my friends and family that have changed my life in enormous ways, but they've already gotten the long texts with a million emojis. So I guess this sort of a thank you to all, a goodbye to some, and a welcome into the newest part of my life. For what happens, I have no clue, but enjoy the ride with me!


SO MUCH LOVE,
Meredith

2 comments:

Well thank ya for wanting to leave a comment! I love reading what you think! xoxo